It surfaces unexpectedly.
It bubbles up to the surface and demands attention.
“Damn it! Not again!”
It often puts our life on pause; or so we feel. We feel stuck. We become enveloped in the wash of sadness and life feels heavy.
“Will this ever leave me the hell alone?”
There are so many reasons that pain lingers and continues to take up residency in our being.
Letting go and truly moving forward is a life project. I’ve kind of made peace with that.
It’s the kind of project you know you need to finish but it kind of stays in a pile in the spare room. You see it every time you go in the room; seeing it reminds you it’s there.
“Oh yeah, I gotta tend to that…”
But you go on with your daily stuff. The project stays in that room.
Then you’re out and about and you talk to people and you’re living and BAM! Something or someone reminds you that you haven’t finished the damn project.
You go home to the spare room and try to put the pile in order. Sometimes you reduce the pile and you feel you made progress on the project.
“Yes! I’m almost done!”
Other times you actually add sh*t to the pile and the project gets bigger.
“Wow… I’m never gonna get this done.”
I have a project I’ve been working on a long time. I’ve reduced it to a little folder that sits on a desk in my office. I can’t seem to file it away permanently though.
“Is that thing still there?”
Yes it’s still there, it will always be there. I probably can’t get rid of it because it’s part of me. Part of my history. Part of who I’ve become today.
The deadline to complete the project doesn’t haunt me like it used to. That’s progress. I’m ok with knowing I will likely have to work on it for years to come. This realization is also progress.
“You suck! I’m tired of working on you!” I say to the never ending project.
“You don’t own me!” I say with an air of defiance and with the hope that the project can’t see the vulnerability under my brave façade. This also, is progress.
“I’m ok, I am not what happened to me, things will be ok” I console myself before I leave the spare room for now. I swear that damn project is giving me side eye.
My visits to the spare room are getting shorter.
Your pain is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.
Here’s to shorter visits to the spare room!!